Roads are bumpy and souls are too sometimes.

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For the past year and a half I have remained pretty silent about my life struggles, not out of embarrassment but mostly out of shame. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been suffering with mental illness for years and on a daily basis I struggle with both of these issues. I know some people will judge and others will have sympathy but neither matter because its my own self that is my harshest critic and my best cheerleader. I have been taking steps to try to better myself as a whole and its no easy feat. I have not had alcohol in quite a while and do not even have the craving for it because even though it dampers some of the symptoms of my mental conditions, its damaging and brings on more issues than it buries. I think the reason I have chosen to come clean about this is because I want to hold myself accountable and acknowledge I have a problem (if not several) and honesty is usually what I strive for even if it opens myself up to ridicule and judgement. In the last six months I have become my own advocate because I needed and sought help for the things I am going through. Not everyone will understand or get where I am coming from and that is fine because how can a person understand what they have not experienced or at least dealt with closely. Some days I wake up and feel like the world is just a little bit brighter and other days I wake up and wish i were an ostrich but all I really want is to be “normal” or at least on a level that is considered the norm. I will not go into detail about my mental state because that is how I want it to be, I am not here to bare my soul, I just want to thank those who have helped me even though they don’t know it for just being there for me and understanding me. I am a very difficult person to deal with or understand at times and I realize this, but I do hope this blog sheds some light on the reasons. Just know that I am okay and I am recovering and even though I know I will never be cured of some things, I will be able to cope with them in a better way as time passes. To my family, I love you all so very much, my husband, my children, my brother, my mom, you are all my world and I am humbled by your caring and understanding, without you guys I would be lost.

love,

Nicko.

How to curb snacking and why losing weight does not guarantee the feeling of sucess.

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I find myself mindlessly snacking sometimes and even though its healthy snacks most of the time, there is no hunger behind it and I feel this is a bad habit I need to break. I think that food for me on a whole is a struggle because even if i eat an extremely healthy meal I will still think I can do better or berate myself for having to eat which is mostly a mental thing stemming from being morbidly obese for so long and then now being a more normal weight, but I am working on a game-plan to help me through these mental hurtles. Today for breakfast I had the same thing as yesterday, minus the cottage cheese.  I had a protein shake made with water after I did 17 minutes on the treadmill, then for lunch I had purple cauliflower with hummus. still not sure what dinner will be but I am going to go with portion control. I hope to get some weight lifting in today and try my hand at making out a routine chart on the computer so i can hold myself accountable. I really want to reach my goal weight by my next birthday in September or at least be close to it, i do not have much to lose but the less a person has to lose the harder it is.

this is what i look at to keep me motivated.

Beforeandafter

Today’s food’s!

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Todays breakfast was firm tofu stir fried in garlic infused olive oil with baby carrots, celery, black olives, grape tomatoes, sesame seeds and all were cooked with curry powder, soy sauce and chicken bullion for seasoning. I also had a side of low fat cottage cheese topped with pepper and sliced banana peppers. very tasty and simple🙂

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For lunch I just had a sandwich, I use the 45 calorie bread by sara lee. I put a tad of mayo (i need to start using light mayo) and some Dijon mustard then topped the sandwich with low fat American cheese, a slice of lean ham, banana peppers and some leftover cabbage leaves… nothing special but i feel good about it.

for dinner I am going to bake a pre-made veggie lasagna, not because i dislike the classic meat variation but because i love tormenting my husband *evil chuckle* seriously i love vegetables and feel if i can get more into my family’s diet… why not?

I am trying to not get any snacking in and all i have had other than food today is some iced coffee made with sugar free hazelnut creamer and 1 packet of sweet n low… if i do have a snack it will probably just be either a cheese stick or a handful of nuts.  Another goal today is to get in at least 6 cups of water.

Puppy love!

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I know it has been a while since I have actively blogged, a lot has happened since the last time, a lot of it sad but some of it has been good. I am going to skip the sad for now because I want to focus on things that make me happy🙂

about six months ago we welcomed a new addition to our family!

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This is daisy, she is quite obviously a pug… now we worried for a while if adding a new dog to our household was the right thing to do since our boxer, Luna is a very temperamental dog and has shown aggression towards other dogs but we took it slow and introduced her to our puggle carefully.

this is the result of that introduction.

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awww… so now they are best buddies and view each other as momma and pup!

Time does not stop, even during a coffee break… seriously.

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Its 4am here in my little part of the universe, I have nothing pressing I need to be doing or any reason to be up for that matter. Why am I awake? my cat was munching on something in the garbage and it woke me up *annoyed* but its good I woke up because otherwise he would have continued noshing on whatever it was he decided to nosh on. So, here I am. In my world not a lot changes for me usually, I try to exist as normally as possible and go about my days, weeks, months gliding along on autopilot BUT… sometimes, something throws a wrench into that plan and decides to make me take part in life stuff. Examples:

Kindergarten graduation. My son had a nice little graduation ceremony and after it was almost like a herd of buffalo descending from the bleachers in the auditorium to get to the free cookies. So. Not. Fun. I mean ya I get it, everyone loves free food but for me it was kinda torture, outside is scary enough without sticking me into a box full of hundreds of others competing for food like its the hunger games *huff* needless to say we grabbed our son and bolted when that insanity ensued lol.

My Nana decided to have a massive stroke in her brain stem and subsequently passed away (via an off switch)… I was sad and mopey for a while, still kinda am but honestly i am just over being a pile of emotional turmoil.

While these two things are kinda normal happenings in life, they sort of threw me a bit off track which requires a lot of coercion to get back on the stupid track *sigh* I am getting there… getting back to eating healthy and exercising and of course my favorite, ignoring everything outside of my house, well, except the front and back yard but only because it wont mow itself😉

So that is my little life update and it has taken me a half an hour to write #iamsoslow

So I leave you all with a this!

-Nicko

Healthy? me?

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It has almost been a year since I had my gastric bypass and since then I have lost 82 pounds but surgery can only do so much and it only gave me a window of time (17 months) to be the most effective weight loss tool it can be.

So in preparation for my “tool” to stop working overtime I have been taking my health and fitness into my own hands and learning to finally eat healthy and work out routinely so I can continue on my road to being the best me that I can be (Jillian Micheal’s here i come!).

3-5 days a week (I usually aim for 5 days) I do 20-30 minutes of cardio which leaves me sweating like a dog but feeling great. and for the past month I have been adding in strength training every other day. The tricky and most difficult part for me has been learning how to eat healthy and get myself in a mindset where I do not feel deprived or like im going to turn into a rabbit at any minute. Basically I am limiting what I eat to about 1200 calories a day and most of that is vegetables and fruit because lets face it, i can eat a bowl of these things and not blow my calories for the day.

I eat as healthy as I can ALL day but then eat a normal and sometimes calorie packed dinner with my family so I can feel normal and connected with with my brood. I have to say that even if I am eating a lot of healthy food I do not sit around whining all day about how much I want a cookie or a bag of chips because if I want it that bad I will have a cookie or a few chips and factor it into what I can eat in my day… portion control is super important to learn and I am trying my darndest!

Last year I bought a digital food scale and have been using it religiously for the past few months. I pre-portion most things before I eat them, like nuts I will put in a snack bag and measure out exactly 1 ounce so I will not mindlessly eat them because that is super easy to do when your snacking (especially in the middle of the night >.< ).

Honestly what im trying to do is not diet but instead change the way I eat permenantly because with diets they usually end after a while and then most people gain everything they lost back… so, if I change what I eat and how I feel about food then it wont be a diet but instead I will think “its just the way I eat” and I am learning new things everyday that are helping me to achieve this.

I never knew that I would like tofu… I mean, when I thought of tofu it made me think of a bunch of new age hippies sitting around munching granola while trying to channel inner peace lol, which is okay but for me it is way out of my comfort zone in what I thought of as ME. All week last week I was cubing up tofu and stir frying it with veggies and seasonings and I have to tell you, I was shocked at how much I really liked it and even more shocked at how satisfied I was with just eating stir fry for lunch or breakfast everyday, which makes me wonder if im going to turn into a new age hippy that munches granola and quotes Buddha.

If I take anything away from all this it is that I am stronger than I thought and determination can be gratifying because the rewards from that determination are worth every sacrifice and every bump in the road.

-Nicko

P.S. This was today’s lunch and no, I did not grow rabbit ears after I ate it.

1 sanwich thin (toasted).

1 tbls fat free cream cheese.

2 slices of turkey meat (ya ya ya its processed, sue me lol)

1/2 cup bean sprouts.

2 tbls salsa.

next time I will add salt and pepper.

Calories: 173. Booya!

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