How to curb snacking and why losing weight does not guarantee the feeling of sucess.

I find myself mindlessly snacking sometimes and even though its healthy snacks most of the time, there is no hunger behind it and I feel this is a bad habit I need to break. I think that food for me on a whole is a struggle because even if i eat an extremely healthy meal I will still think I can do better or berate myself for having to eat which is mostly a mental thing stemming from being morbidly obese for so long and then now being a more normal weight, but I am working on a game-plan to help me through these mental hurtles. Today for breakfast I had the same thing as yesterday, minus the cottage cheese.  I had a protein shake made with water after I did 17 minutes on the treadmill, then for lunch I had purple cauliflower with hummus. still not sure what dinner will be but I am going to go with portion control. I hope to get some weight lifting in today and try my hand at making out a routine chart on the computer so i can hold myself accountable. I really want to reach my goal weight by my next birthday in September or at least be close to it, i do not have much to lose but the less a person has to lose the harder it is.

this is what i look at to keep me motivated.

I wish life were like a box of chocolates.

I havent said much about anything lately, not because I have nothing to talk about or have been bored or anything… but the big “P” word keep’s sneaking up on me and forestall my efforts to write. The “P” word I’m talking about is Procrastination, oh yes, serious procrastination, but here I am trying to foible the “P” word and regain a little gumption. So lets see, whats new?

I am still going forward with my plans to have weight loss surgery but it is not something that is on my mind that much because there really is no set date when it will take place because it is a long process. So far I have had my psych evaluation, EKG, blood work and am still on my pre op diet, next I just have to go to a nutritionist which is set for December 1st and from there it should be fairly close to done.

Family life has it’s up’s and downs but lately it has been decidedly down because I am the caretaker for my mother in law who is a brittle diabetic with a christmas list of ailments I cannot keep track of, this of course adds stress to daily life which can sometimes seem like too much and often times IS to much but I take each day as it comes.

My four-year old son has been in preschool for about a month and a half now which is exciting because I can see a change in him that is encouraging, he loves books now and has other children his age to play with while he learns new and interesting things… oh and he brings me home little things he makes at school daily 🙂

As for my 19 month old daughter, she is entering that phase of whining and crying at the drop of a hat… drama queen to the max, but she is my cutie pie, gotta love her even when she is throwing herself on the floor screaming because I wont give her my soda (sorry, no soda fer joo!)

I just turned 30… like, today. How odd, I don’t feel 30 and I don’t think I look 30, or maybe that is just wishful thinking, anywho, its bed time, time to cut this short.

That’s all for now folks!

-Nicko

Conflicted

In my last blog I had mentioned I was on a doctors supervised diet and have to be on one for six months… well, I am still doing that but also I have attended the required weight loss surgery seminar and tomorrow I am going to my surgeons consultation. I am very conflicted though, not because I am not sure of having weight loss surgery but because I cannot choose which one would be best for me… I am weighing the pros and cons of the lap band and the gastric bypass and both have such drastic con’s that it is hard to choose. My concerns for the Lap Band are that some people do not lose a single pound with it because it is easy to eat bad. Another thing is food that gets stuck and hurts until it gets “unstuck” I don’t want to have to swear off vegetables because they get stuck easily. Another thing is… most health insurance does NOT cover gastric banding because the insurance company views the procedure minimally helpful since the outcome (success) is so patchy… they don’t want to take a risk on a procedure that has such a low overall success rate. Now my concerns for the Gastric Bypass are MANY and they are big ones…. there are so many risks involving the procedure that it almost puts me off just thinking about it. First there is the whole dissection of stomach tubes and stuff which is risky because HELLOOOOOO your guts are not meant to be sliced and diced and rearranged… and if it goes wrong you sort of die. Secondly there is the malabsorption thing, which is nice in a way since it makes some of the food you eat unable to be made into more fat on my body but it also means that the nutrients you eat or drink are also only partially absorbed so it is easy to become deficient in a lot of your vitamins which when you read up on what these vitamins do for your body you learn that you can actually die if you get low on some of them…. serious side effects can occur if you do not get enough vitamins so they make you take a boatload of vitamins and a lot of people have to give themselves injections of B-12 a few times a week. Last there is the whole Dumping syndrome thing… sure the doctors are happy you can’t eat a candy bar but seriously, if I eat a cookie I do not want to pass out from it. So those are my major concerns about these two procedures… I know I am leaning more for the gastric bypass only because it is what they call the “gold standard” and you are guaranteed to lose on it, it is just up to you to keep it going and maintain after the honeymoon period. I have heard many horror stories about both procedures so right now im going to sleep on it and tomorrow I will have my decision written in my chart.

Oh ya, postage.

Kittens are great… but only during daylight hours, when night falls they turn into party monsters, the only thing that is missing seems to be the keg and disco ball. We adopted a kitten recently and although it was supposed to be my husband and kids kitty as well as mine, it has sort of attached itself to me. I have never experienced such a clingy kitten, it jumps on me at the drop of a hat, when it’s on the floor and im standing up it leaps into my arms… this is one talented feline. We have an older cat I have had for almost 14 years and the kitten has made me notice how old he really is, my poor old man has grown chunky and lazy, when did that happen? I have to put him on a diet because he is eating too much, I had a self dispensing food dish but ever since he had a couple bad teeth removed he has started packing on the ounces (that’s a lot for a small built kitty).

Snickers, our new kitten

I have not been doing as much in my back yard lately, I think the heat is one part of the problem but the rest is just the daily struggle with depression. My mood swings tapered off for a while but then a couple of days ago I became angry and anxious and there was nothing I could do to relieve these symptoms, it felt so uncomfortable that finally I just started balling like a baby and wouldn’t you know it, my symptoms the next day were almost entirely gone… I guess I just needed a good cry.

I have been trying to find the perfect yellow and green eyeshadow and I have been missing the mark because either the color turns out to have very little pigment or it is just to neutral of a shade… I am on a quest to find some better eyeshadow pallets… for now I have made a few cool looks with my newer colors.

Yellow and orange

Purple and silver

green, aqua, blue and orange

That’s all for me tonight, I am one tired cookie!

-Nicko

Blah and more blah

Today was LONG. Did ton’s of yard work, including but not limited to puting down grass seed and starter. My mom and brother came over for a visit but did not stay to long, my mom was tired. After everyone left I did some more yard work and fed my daughter (my son was taking a much-needed nap).

Me and my husband ended up going to the asparagus festival for a couple of hours and while there I was harassed by two meter maids who felt the need to be especially nasty because of an honest mistake, I know that if it were my brother there instead of me he would have had them cowering. After leaving the festival I made a pit stop at target and got a new hose since the one I have has very shallow grooves where you attach things (nozzle, weed killer etc.) so every time I use the hose with an attachment the said attachment comes flying off and I get sprayed with a bucket of water which makes me a very unhappy girl. Once home I grilled some chicken and made mexican rice for dinner and by that time my son was awake so he was super happy to play outside while I grilled.

A lot more went on today (and tonight) but it just feel so forced to talk about it, I have no reserve energy and zero patience with myself right now. I am hoping I can sleep in for at least an hour tomorrow… is it just my husband or do all of them normally make the woman handle all things child related (unless its fun)? I love how my husband gripes how hard children are to raise but I am the one who stays home with them all day and he rarely stays home alone with even one of them, men are so lucky were not spiders or we would eat them after being inseminated.

My eyelashes are getting super long, when I get around to it I will post some updated pictures on how well the latisse is working, the only draw back is the skin darkening on my eye lids. thankfully I have brown eyes already so I do not have to worry about my eye color changing to brown.

Oh ya, I won a raffle (I think that is what it’s called) for a chef’s knife last week from the blog “dark side of the fridge” they are in my blog roll if you want to check them out, I do not read many blogs but there’s I read vigilantly because they seem like “normal” people who make interesting food that does not require culinary school but looks and sounds awesome.

anyways, that’s all for now, im tired and need sleep.

-Nicko

Where I have been

I have been in hiding for a few days. I found out my father died suddenly on the 3rd and mentally I shut down. For years I have tried to connect with my father on a deeper level, to find some common ground and spend more time together but his life was cut short. I took his death hard and am still grieving and have no idea how long the anger, sadness and general pain will last but I do know one thing… I have no guilt, I know in my heart I did everything I could to connect with my dad and although I have lots of unanswered questions and little insight into how his mind really worked, I do know whats most important. He loved me and that is enough. My father will be missed and was to young to leave this world, he was only 48 years old and had a large family who loved him. Rest in peace old man.

Love you dad, always will.

-Nicole (aka: Nickoshi)

My brown thumb might be turning green

The destruction of the weeds in my backyard is all I can think of lately, they are driving me insane! I was tempted to use a ground clearing product that kills everything but could not think of having to wait over a year to replant so im doing baby steps. I have tried two products so far, one is a weed and grass killer and the other was a weed killer that attaches to a garden hose… if that doesn’t work I will try the weed killer attached to my garden hose again and then I will probably have to get on my hands and knees and yank every last weed from my lawn, which will be quite painful since the weeds I have are the kind with thorns all over.

I am growing my little indoor garden and am a very proud plant mama, is that weird? I mean, I talk to my little plants and pet there little leaves… that does make me weird right? Anyways the pinto bean is growing fast and since he happened on accident I sorta went out and got some other seeds to grow. Lets see, I bought a little strawberry kit, a sweet peppers kit and then two different kinds of tomato seed packets. I planted the peppers and the strawberries, the strawberries had a couple of accidents (my daughter will eat anything) but a few did manage to survive. I got a couple of pictures I took of all of their progress about a week ago, I would have taken newer ones but I forgot to charge my camera (oops) so they are a little bigger than pictured now, but at least I tried lol.

My pinto bean got big, very quickly!

My little strawberry plants look so sad... but at least there alive!

I think I'm going to have a lot of pepper's

I have a pot all ready for one of my tomato seed packets, the other one I do not have a pot for yet, but I plan on reusing one of the pots I have again once I transfer them into my back yard (if i can get a planter box) I have a huge problem with pilbugs, snails and every other kind of bug known to man it seems… not to mention those evil little weeds that cause me never-ending grief, so I need to deal with all these issues before even transferring my plants.

Today we had a new dishwasher installed and I am absolutely in love with it… not just because its pretty but also because it has some mean skills. I put a bunch of dishes and pans in it from dinner and even the baked on grime was gone when it was finished, that was impressive. We probably would not have gotten a new dishwasher had the old one worked somewhat but sadly it did not so we have been doing the dishes the old-fashioned way… not any more!.. well, within reason that is. Some of my pots and pans cannot be put in the dishwasher, but I don’t mind, the bulk of stuff will be taken care of at least!

My old non-working dishwasher

My new and improved super sexy dishwasher... oh ya, hot!

I am in no hurry for summertime weather but the rain has been a little annoying, I was going to barbeque for Easter but now im going to have to just make a ham because I do not want to be stuck outside cooking (or my husband I should say) getting drenched by some unforseen rain cloud. That’s okay though, it will still be a lovely day spent with my family no matter what.

Never took the Hatter as a scottish lad.

This past couple days has been pretty uneventful… even by my standards but I did get out of the house to go see Alice in Wonderland on the IMAX… I am still not a big fan of the genre but at least it wasn’t complete rubbish, there were two things that bothered me in the movie though… er, well three actually. Firstly the storyline was weak… seriously weak. There was nothing new that was noteworthy and since it is supposed to be a continuation of the first Alice in Wonderland they could have done so much more with it. Secondly, the ending was just boring, im not going to spoil it but I have to say it just felt like they ran out of production time and couldn’t think of anything exciting. Lastly, the actress that played Alice looked okay as Alice, but not a 19-year-old Alice (or 18, whichever) she looked like she was at most 15, also, her acting skill’s were limited. Just my opinion though.

Only a couple more day’s and the hubby and I will be off for a 3 night vacation near red hawk casino and even though I’m not really a gambler I think just getting away for a few days will recharge my batteries, I wonder if there is a day spa nearby there, I will have to look. My mom is thankfully going to be babysitting the kids, hopefully they behave for her and I come home to children who are not to badly spoiled.

It’s been almost a week since I have stopped drinking regular soda and started drinking Diet. I of course miss regular cola but it is getting easier to resist and the taste of coke zero is not as nasty as it was. I have not gone completely diet nuts, I still drink regular milk and regular juice but the soda is a BIG step. I am still not happy about the water situation… I would like to drink more of it, more often but I am slacking.

Since it be the luck o’ the Irish day I am hoping I can get supplies to make corned beef and cabbage for dinner tonight… sigh, should have thought of it last time I got groceries. I’m not Irish but the hubby is, I wouldn’t want him to feel blue when he is supposed to be feeling green lol.

In which I ramble and rant a little

If I had a never-ending cup of purified ice water on hand all day, that is all I would drink, but honestly I don’t have one and no matter how many times I go downstairs I always forget to get some ice water, ugh, so im sitting here trying to conserve my bottle of powerade and not doing a good job of it. I tried some coke zero today, I must not have waited long enough to try it because it tasted HORRIBLE. Either that or I really am getting over soda. Lately a lot of things have been annoying me, mostly the non existant friends I have and the somewhat elusive father I sometimes see (grumble) I am so annoyed with people right now, and I have no clue why because usually im really relaxed and just accepting of everything no matter how bad it is… Not anymore bucko!

I stay in my house so much that whenever I go outside its like going to another planet, alien and way to bright. I really need to find some sand to stick my head in because it’s really the only way im going to survive right now.

My daughter is going through some weird kinda stage right now, she is 13 months old and all of a sudden she screams and cries whenever her brother gets attention, I have no idea if this is normal sibling rivalry but if it is, wow they start young.

In other news, the word “no” should be banished from the human language…. at least in the case of anyone under the age of 18.

For some reason I do not want to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie, I do not like the Disney cartoon so that may have something to do with it because I find it creepy. Other movies I dont like because they are “creepy” include:

• Willy Wonka (both movies)

• The Wizard of Oz

• Snow White

So ya, there are a lot more but im tired and can’t think of them right now.

This weekend will be challenging since me and the kids will be visiting family but the weekend after should be better, since I will not… repeat, NOT be home! YEY… anyways my moment of revelry is over and now im done. Time to get some sleep.

-Nicko

Upbeat but down

Trying to achieve the impossible somehow seems more possible when you take things day by day… in my case it is not such a huge feat for most people, but addiction is different for everyone. Today I stopped drinking Soda because not only is it an addiction but I calculated that at the minimum I am drinking 700 calories of soda a day… that is a lot of empty calories. What I’m wondering is if I will lose weight if I stay away from the soda? If I can kick this addiction I might possibly be able to do anything I put my mind to and maybe even lose some weight. Now if only I could stop snacking on chocolate covered cranberries, oh and I need to start drinking more water.

A few days ago I started using two new facial products and today my skin feels alien to me, not really in a bad way but just new and im not used to it yet. The first product is called ANEW CLINICAL Advanced Dermabrasion System, it felt kinda weird, like lotion with fine granules in it but it made my face feel really soft and new after using it. I also started using ANEW CLINICAL Advanced Retexturizing Peel which was not what I was expecting, I thought it was some kind of gel that acts as a face mask or something but what it is are kinda like those oxy clean facial pads, a little disk-shaped cloth you run across your face… I have no idea if it did anything to my skin but using these products together just seemed like a good idea. Anyways, that is basically all I have added to my skin care regiment, as if I didn’t already do enough already.

This week has been pretty bad on a personal level, not only did I find out that a close family member may not be with us for much longer but my mother in-law is in the hospital again with various issues, so dealing with emotional things is really not my thing, i usually bury grief and push on, but it has been a long time since I have had to face the reality that someone close to me is not going to be around anymore… even if they are a total pain in the butt, there still my family, still going to be missed and no matter how much I try to think of something else, the thought is still there. How do you stay strong for those around you? because this is going to affect some family members more than me and I have no idea how there going to cope. Death is hard but is it harder knowing that it is looming over someone? or is it easier if it happens in the blink of an eye… I have experienced both and to me neither is easy.

On a more upbeat note… I did not die while at the dentist’s today, SUPRISE! I did however suffer temperary peralisis of the bottom half of my face and was deathly scared of chewing off my own tongue accidentally, so I avoided food all day and tried to ignore the fact that i could not feel the drool running down my chin… ya, gross, i know.

Anywho, that’s all i got right now, I’m going to go pass out next to the hubby and think about happy bunnies, and not the happy bunnies you find in the hot topic store!

-Nicko